Pain

As far as I can tell there are two kinds of pain physical pain and mental pain. As an athlete you learn to play with both. But there is no training that can prepare you for what CTE does to you. It eats away at your brain slowly it takes away who you are. You can actually feel it happening. I am having a particularly bad couple of days here lately. My head feels like there is a strap on it and it is tightening ever so slowly. The is a constant ringing and a dull hum too. My speech has changed, I stutter, I see things that aren't there, I smell things that aren't there. I repeat myself and I forget stuff easily. I understand why other guys have killed themselves this is tough. But, I wake up everyday and recite something that was said to me over and over again at Buffalo State. Tough guys win football games and tough guys win at life. It might seem silly to you but it's a creed I live by. I have sustained many injuries during my 15 plus years playing football, many broken bones, knee injuries and of course concussions. One time while playing center at Buff State I broke my pinky on my right hand during a game. It was all curled up in a ball. Luckily I am left handed. I came off the field and went right to Sandy (trainer) and she started working on it. Coach Zenni comes over and says Quack what are you doing. I hold up my hand and say coach my finger is broke. He grabbed my face mask and said Quackenbush are you a fucking doctor? Tape it and get back in there. That was the mentality then and I was all to happy to make him happy. But, even that kind of toughness doesn't prepare you for what a manic rage can make you do to yourself or others mentally. It causes pain mental pain that doesn't go away. Sometime I wonder what would happen if I took another good shot to the head. As crazy as it sounds there are days like today I would welcome a good belt to the head. During my last manic episode I made a real fool of my self was taken to the hospital against my will which will happen when you push it hard enough. While I am manic I can be very manipulative and I talked my way out of the handcuffs. Big Mistake on there part!!!I ended up taking on six cops and being tased three times and eventually being wrestled to the ground after throwing a hospital bed at a doctor. I was coming off of my longest run ever 17 days of just cat naps and feeling no pain well what I was really doing was causing pain. For my family as it caused them much worry. CTE is about pain and loosing who you are slowly and having to watch your family suffer through it with you it's horrible. Sometimes you lose all control of who you are and do things you regret afterwards. I am lucky I have a good group of folks that support me.