Wish You Were Here - NOT!

Having CTE gives you lots of time to reflect on things. As it slowly takes away your bodily functions your ability to remember speak and just generally be yourself. But,as I recall my first real full blown manic episode was around 1994-95. I was working for my Uncle Frank at a Liquor wharehouse in Liverpool NY on the night shift and was a teamster local 287. It was aggressive work and I was into a lot more than just loading trucks. It was here that I met a good friend and partner Sal. Sal had a side business and I was a helper of his you might say. My duties included collecting money from people that were behind in their payments, gambling payments. This was just the outlet I was looking for as football was over and I need some action. You see part of being bipolar is being manic and being manic involves risky behavior. When I was in Buffalo I got plenty of that. But it was over and now the real world was smacking me in the face. Real job , boring job, so meeting Sal was just what I needed at least that's what I thought. Without going into great detail it didn't take long for me to get a reputation for solving problem's quickly and efficiently. It was during this time that I really learned the art of self medication. At Buffalo State I had Trainers and doctors to help me now I was on my own and I knew my head was all messed up. I could easily separate my compassion for people that I once had and do things that I am not very proud of now. Eventually it all had to crash and that's exactly what happen. Manic people like the dark at least I do. Not sleeping is part of it. At this point I could easily stay awake for 3-5days at a time and function well. My last bad episode I stayed awake for 17 days. So I used nicotine caffeine alcohol weed and later lithium to keep me going. I also self mutilated my palms and heels in pressure points as this seemed to help with the pain in my head. During a "quickening" that's my term for a manic episode. I can accomplish things that most people find irregular. But like most things there is always a down side and being manic is not always about being productive. You end up hurting the people you love not intentionally but you do because of the stress you cause them. This is a tough pill to swallow because on many occasions I have turned myself over not because I am ready for help but to just put my family at ease. This brings me to my thoughts on the mental health care system we have in this country. It sucks!!!

So going away to the mental institution is not a vacation. Especially state run facilities. I quickly figured out how to approach these places as I have been in and out of them many time over the past 30 years. Just like most situations of incarceration it starts with a strip search which is pretty humiliating as you have not committed a crime. The next step is to knock you out for at least 12hrs. I am pre prepared for this as sleeping in these places is sketchy at best. I usually can negotiate to keep a hat or sunglasses I use these to cover my eyes during bed checks. Every facility is the same a common room sleeping wings and outside smoking area. I usually give myself a goal once I arrive which is my exit date. This is typically 3-4 days. Now the fun begins. Just like everywhere else these places have a hierarchy and the alpha will expose themselves eventually. I learned the best course of action is to wait and see who this person is and observe them for a few hours and wait for them to wield their power. This person may be a patient or and orderly but someone is going to make a move and when they do I pounce on them. Unless its a female then its a different game. But, that rarely happens. About half the time it gets physical nothing serious I have never really hurt anyone. Cause most of the time the bully is so shocked by the new guy that they back down immediately. Now there's a new alpha me. Now my stay is much better. I begin to make friends with as many of the other patients as possible and talk to them all if they wan too. The staff typically doesn't care for the former alpha so this works out too. It's a win win. Learned that from Steven Covey.